I have been in depression for good part of my life. If I look back now, I think from the age of 7-8 till the age of 42-43 years. A good 35 plus years. For the last 5 years I’m managing it well. Let me tell you one thing it is not easy to reach out and speak about the emotions/feelings. It is not easy to trust people. There is a huge fear of judgement, non-acceptance, rejection so on and so forth.
It’s easier to create an inner cocoon to rest/fantasize/internalize the feelings. It is easier to create a wall around yourself. Sometimes, it is easier to portray a happier chirpier one in the group.
And trust me when I say no one can understand what you are going through.
People who love you dearly, who want the best for you get tired of your mood swings, and irrational behavior. It’s not their fault because “They don’t know.”
They don’t know that you are in depression, they don’t know what exactly are you going through, they don’t know you don’t have enough skills to express what you are going through and you don’t have enough tools to come out of it. For that matter even they don’t have enough skills to help you out of it.
I have been told how I was a difficult person to be around, to force myself to do things, to snap out of it, to not to be so dramatic, to not to be so vulnerable, to work on myself and create a discipline and many such things.
They can’t understand because they haven’t gone through it. They can’t understand because it’s a very complex, uncomfortable emotional state.
Meanwhile, you just keep going more and more internal. All those insecurities and those fear are very real and huge. Waking up in the morning becomes an effort. To go out, face the world and to do any task looks like a humongous mountain to climb at every moment. Slowly your hormonal glands also start secreting those sad hormones in you. Medicines help to some extent. However, you don’t even feel motivated to take those medicines. It becomes part of your personality. It becomes you.
I have tried committing suicide twice in my life. So, I know that moment feels like as if you are possessed and all your demons are standing in front of you. Your mind is tired of thinking and overthinking and it just wouldn’t stop making those noises inside your head. Emotions also get too much to deal with.
It need not be something drastic that makes you take that step. It can something very petty and small which brings that moment where you feel, you can’t take it anymore.
Luckily for me, one fine day it was literally a wake-up call to deal with my emotions when I slapped my 3-year-old son on his bare back while bathing him. The sight of him crying, and asking for forgiveness was too much to deal with. Poor thing! He didn’t even know what he was sorry for.
I completely broke down; I was literally on my knees asking for help from the Universe. I recognized the anger in me. And I thank God for that moment at all times. I have asked for my son’s forgiveness many a times. He is 17 plus now so I’m sure I have been forgiven for that slap☺️☺️
I thank God on numerous occasions that it made me realize that I was living in some make belief world and was not ready to face the reality of life. I was so angry with the world, with my family, with myself.
I was numbing myself, trying not to feel anymore and not allowing life to flow through me. I was too complex, doubting others’ intentions, judging them, nothing shocked me, nothing made me happy, no amount of love made me feel secured, always doubting my own abilities to do anything, jealous of others. You talk about a negative emotion and I have felt that.
It woke me up from my dream world and gave me strength little by little to seek out and find who am I. Where do I belong. What my core strengths are. What my priorities are.
Am I completely out of it?
No, I don’t think so. It’s been a journey and I am still treading it.
There are mostly good times and some little times where it kicks in. Now I know, how to handle it so all is good.
Why did I tell you this?
Just for you to know, it is not easy for the person who is depressed, or going through some turmoil to ask for help.
If you see signs in a person withdrawing, not wanting to meet, or being out of his/her character do make some efforts to know more.
If you really want to help then take steps to give them that help:
- Don’t wait for them to reach out.
- Ask if you can be of some help.
- Tell them you are here to listen if they have something to share and be open to listening without judging them.
- Take sometime out from your schedule to check on them once in a while.
- And please please do not give any advice.
- Just be there, be present and make sure s/he feels accepted, loved and safe in your presence.
- if possible, persuade them to get help.
That is good enough
From my heart to yours <3